


A Collection of His Own

by ninwrites



Series: Shadowhunters Coda Scenes [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Coda, Communication, Feels, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Episode: s03e05 Stronger Than Heaven, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 16:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14359245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninwrites/pseuds/ninwrites
Summary: There’s a very thin line between them, a tightrope string, and it’s Alec’s intention to tread it with the utmost care.// A missing scene for 3x05.





	A Collection of His Own

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't mean to write this, but here we are. 3x05 left me with a lot of exhilarating emotions, and I attempted to express them in this. I hope that you enjoy. 
> 
> \--
> 
> I owe all the stars in the night sky to [sara](https://twitter.com/ssaralarssons), for encouraging and helping with this fic, and all the love to [alex](https://twitter.com/insiemes), for being the unintentional [inspiration](https://twitter.com/insiemes/status/986454925273071616?s=21).

 

“Are you staying tonight?”

 

Alec leans back against his desk, his stele flipping idly between the fingers of his left hand, almost of their own accord. “I don’t know.”

 

Magnus sighs across the line. The distance between them has never felt so palpable. Not even when they were apart had the Institute seemed so far from Brooklyn, and the loft he had begun to consider home.

 

It’s not. Not yet. It’s just _Magnus’_ home. Alec is a casual visitor, allowed to touch and exist within the walls and wards, but never to stay. Never permanent.

 

“I understand if you need space, Alexander, I wouldn’t take that from you. That isn’t why I’m asking.” Magnus pauses, the silence heavy and electric. Alec glances down, and only then realises that he’s still wearing Magnus’ shirt.

 

“Why are you asking?” Alec’s heart screams in protest, but then, he’s always had a bad habit of self-destruction.

 

“Because I love you.” Magnus states. Alec’s lungs deflate. “And because despite my fears I miss you when you’re not here, and I-” Magnus clears his throat. “Because everything is better when you’re around.”

 

Alec glances at the door, at the spot where Underhill had stood and _thanked him_ , for being brave enough to come out in a world where it’s not even spoken off; where Underhill had almost gushed in praise of his ability to maintain a healthy, loving relationship.

 

It’s not much of a healthy relationship if they can’t even communicate openly with each other.

 

“I don’t have much left here to finish up.” Alec whispers, wishing his voice were stronger.

 

“I’ll whip up a portal.”

 

* * *

 

“You know, I could have walked. Manhattan isn’t that far, when you’ve got a speed rune.”

 

Magnus is standing by his drinks cart, although there’s nothing in his hand, but a small, red and gold charm. He smiles, and it’s a little strained, but it meets his eyes and that’s all Alec can hope for. “You Shadowhunters and your runes.” Magnus’ smile softens. “I don’t mind, Alexander. Actually, portalling you was rather selfish on my part.”

 

Alec raises a dark eyebrow, stepping forward as the last of the portal winks shut behind him.

 

“It decreases the time that I have to wait until I can see you again.”

 

Alec bites back comments that wouldn’t float well in the suffocating atmosphere, knowing it’s not him, not really; it’s the voice of fear inside of him, the part of him that’s always worried he’ll be forgotten, the part that can’t shake off the feeling he isn’t enough, and never will be.

 

“I’m here now.” He says, instead. “All yours.”

 

The words drift in the air between them, and it feels awkward, in the way that everything Alec said after he told Magnus he was going to marry Lydia had felt _awkward_. Alec shrugs his shoulders back, his leather jacket rustling with the movement.

 

“Would you like a drink?” Magnus asks, already turning to face the drinks cart. “Or are those earlier cocktails still leaving shockwaves?”

 

Alec curls his fingers against the nape of his neck. “I think I’m going to make a coffee, actually.”

 

Magnus nods. “Of course. Maybe we can have our respective drinks on the balcony, the fresh air might do us both some good.”

 

Alec smiles, but it doesn’t feel right, doesn’t sit in the places it should. “I’d love that.”

 

Magnus looks, for a moment, as though there’s something more he wants to say, but then he’s nodding again, spinning on his heel with more blue sparks than his magic usually requires, and Alec turns away too, because he knows when Magnus is trying to hide.

 

There’s a very thin line between them, a tightrope string, and it’s Alec’s intention to tread it with the utmost care.

 

* * *

 

“It’s a beautiful night.”

 

Alec exhales across the surface of his coffee, steam rising in coils before his face. “Surprisingly clear, for New York. I think I can almost see the moon.”

 

“That’s a jet plane.” There’s a smile to Magnus’ tone. “But there’s a few stars out, trying their best to show through the city fog.”

 

Alec sips his coffee, even knowing it’s too hot, knowing it will burn the edge of his tongue. A part of him welcomes the sting.

 

“Alexander-”

 

Alec sucks in a sharp breath. “Please, don’t.” His exhale doesn’t ease the weight on his lungs. “Don’t, pretend that nothing happened, that I didn’t snoop or that you didn’t yell or that there isn’t this, this gap between us. We can’t pretend it didn’t happen. That won’t fix anything.”

  
“I am not trying to pretend anything,” Magnus stares out across the New York city landscape, at the flickering lights and bustling cars and the people living their carefree lives. “I told you, I want to live in the _now_. Our world is at constant risk, there’s danger and death at every corner, Alexander, I just - want to appreciate the time I have to spend with you, while I have it.”

 

Alec’s heart breaks a little.

 

“I’m sorry.” He wonders if a cocktail might have been a better option. “I don’t want to, I mean, I never really…”

 

“This is very new, to us both.” Magnus reaches out, tentatively. Alec turns his hand, so that his palm is facing up, and Magnus interlaces their fingers. “But we can’t lose sight of what is important. I love you. That is all I want to think about tonight.”

 

Alec lifts their joined hands, brushing a tender, aching kiss across Magnus’ knuckles. “Then that is all that matters.”

 

* * *

 

The navy blue sheets are cold against Alec’s bare calves, the hairs on his forearms standing on end even as the bedroom warms with a slow heat. It’s a strange feeling, almost as though he’s teetering on a double-edged sword, stuck between knowing that he’s welcome here, and not entirely feeling it.

 

“I’m really glad you’re here.” Magnus says, leaning against the bathroom door frame. “I don’t think I say it enough, when you are.”

 

Alec licks his bottom lip, his throat dry. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

 

Magnus smiles, and it’s tight but fond, and Alec thinks that not everything has to be easy for it to be good. “Flirt.” He says, though they both know he means something else.

 

Alec pulls the covers of Magnus’ side back, letting his heart settle as Magnus disrobes, something achingly familiar in the dip of the bed as Magnus slips in. He doesn’t sleep as well when Magnus isn’t there, and a selfish part of him hopes that it is the same for Magnus.

 

Most days he hates that part of himself, because it’s hardly ever quiet.

 

“Something, uh-” Alec curls his hand in the navy covers, his other hand resting flat on his chest. “Something interesting happened, at the Institute, today.”

 

Magnus rolls over onto his side, one hand flat beneath his cheek. “More interesting than someone tracking ichor into the entry? Did you finally replace that, frankly disgusting and lacklustre coffee? Did the Inquisitor turn up unannounced without her pole?”

 

Alec swats at Magnus’ shoulder, a laugh bubbling from his throat without his realising it. “Yes, more interesting than that. This is serious, Magnus.”

 

He doesn’t mention how good it feels, to laugh, even if it just for a second. Magnus leans forward, pressing a kiss to Alec’s bare shoulder, his smile bright enough to illuminate the entire room. “My apologies. Please, continue with your very serious story.”

 

Alec frowns, even as his smile persists. It’s a heavy thing to talk about, and things are far from perfect between them, but Magnus has this uncanny ability to make him feel calm and at ease, if not happy, and Alec is revelling in that.

 

“There’s a Shadowhunter, Underhill; he’s the new head of security.”

 

Magnus hums. “A VIP then.”

 

Alec shakes his head, then stops. “I suppose, yeah. He’s good at his job, really good. Doesn’t interfere or question much, always steps up to do whatever he can. My mom would say he’s the perfect soldier.”

 

Magnus freezes, then asks, his tone a careful whisper. “Would that be a compliment?”

 

Alec inclines his head. “I think so. I’d use it as such. Anyway, because he’s new, and because he’s so unassuming, I’ve never considered much about him past the glowing recommendations from Idris. Turns out, he’s been a perfect soldier for ten years, and - in all of that time, he never felt comfortable really being himself.”

 

Magnus makes a pointed noise, and Alec rolls over, until they’re facing each other, hands clasped between them, though not yet touching. “You mean?”

 

Alec nods, the answer there without question. “He’s gay. He said that, that I was inspiring and that my courage helped him come out, himself. I don’t know, if he has a partner or anything, although he spoke almost as though he did. I was a little too struck to ask.”

 

“You’re paving the way for people like you,” Magnus smiles, lifting his hand until it’s cupping Alec’s cheek. “It’s inspiring on its own, but you’re also running an Institute, and you’ve been more successful than the last two predecessors, if I’m honest.”

 

Alec purses his lips, cheek warm beneath Magnus’ palm. “I’m just doing my job.”

 

Magnus huffs out a fond laugh. “Don’t you see, Alexander? That is the point. You are the best for the job, you always have been, but you haven’t had to make compromises to get here. That is what inspires people.”

 

Magnus looks at Alec, then, like he is the world. “I should know. You inspire me every day.”

 

If Alec’s heart skips a beat, it’s only because he’s holding his breath, and not because Magnus’ words have danced their way between his ribs. If Alec feels a little part of himself breaking away, it’s only because that piece never belonged to him anyway.

 

If Alec’s hands shake when they wrap around Magnus’, it’s only because some days, he still can’t believe how lucky is, to be loved so deeply by Magnus Bane.

 

Things aren’t easy, their world is in turmoil and their relationship is sailing towards a rocky cliff, but Alec was always taught that most things took effort, and some were simply unexplainable. He and Magnus, they’re a rare combination of everything he ever thought he knew, and a thousand more things he never could have imagined.

 

He isn’t the first. He won’t be the last. But for now, he is the one whom Magnus loves, and Alec isn’t foolish enough to throw away the best thing that has _ever_ happened to him.

 

He’ll take what he can get, each precious, fragile moment. A collection of his own.

 

**Author's Note:**

> links - for those interested:
> 
> twitter: [ninwrites](https://mobile.twitter.com/ninwrites) for fic stuff/updates/snippets + [malteser_24](https://mobile.twitter.com/malteser_24) for general fandom mess + small threads  
> tumblr:[here](https://ninwrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> (and while you're there check out the [shfanficnexus](https://shfanficnexus.tumblr.com/), a collection of work by wonderfully talented and lovely writers <3 )
> 
> thank you for reading!
> 
> \- Nin ❤


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